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The Bruces’ Philosophers’ Song

If during an unguarded moment at a party, say, you admit to being interested in philosophy, you can expect to be confronted not only by baffled expressions and a sudden thinning of the crowd, but also, sometimes, by a variety of interesting and challenging questions. I expect you know the sort of thing I mean – we’ve all been there. The questions range from the straightforward (“So how much do philosophers earn, exactly?”) to the fiendishly difficult (“So what is philosophy, exactly?”). A question which frequently crops up in such circumstances is “How does that Monty Python song go – you know, the one about the philosophers?”. Well, next time you’re asked, you’ll be prepared, because in a stunning journalistic coup I have obtained a copy of the lyrics. Don’t say I’m not good to you.

Immanuel Kant was a real pissant,
Who was very rarely stable,
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar,
Who could think you under the table,
David Hume could out-consume,
Schopenhauer and Hegel,
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine,
Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.
There’s nothing Nietzsche couldn’t teach ya
‘Bout the raising of the wrist,
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed.

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill,
Plato, they say, could stick it away
Half a crate of whiskey every day
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle
Hobbes was fond of his dram
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart
“I drink, therefore I am”
Yes, Socrates himself, is particularly missed,
A lovely little thinker
But a bugger when he’s pissed.

The Bruces’ Philosophers’ Song is on “Monty Python Sings” (Virgin Records), along with a load of other stuff.