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Rules for the Successful and Harmonious Operation of an Amateur Philosophy Club

Helpfully suggested by Alan Duckworth.

Members must:

1. Be alive (one shouldn’t be fussy about this, but Health Department regulations require it).

2. Be human (to avoid any legal suits, it may be prudent to check with your local animal rights group).

3. Be able to produce at least one comprehensible sentence (the hosts need to know your preference in drinks).

4. Be able to pass the following test of knowledge and reasoning power:

(a) Prove that the earth is flat.

(b) If Mary has three apples and Bill has two apples, how many apples does Jack have? (Hint: Jack doesn’t know Mary or Bill.)

(c) Write a seven-page essay on the metaphysical implications of Socrates’ beard.

(d) Give a deep linguistic analysis of each of the following: (1) “I stink, therefore I am,” (2) “Genghis Khan, but Immanuel Kant,” (3) “You can only step in the same river once, but you’ll get your feet wet anyway,” (4) “Moore is less.”

(e) State the views of these philosophers: Oregano; Esophagus; Cantharides.

5. Note: the club absolutely does not discriminate against defective members of any size or shape.

II. Conduct at meetings

During the discussion period:

1. Members should talk, for at least the first ten minutes, about the assigned topic. After this tiresome formality is out of the way, everyone can get on to something really interesting.

2. The group will be happy to start the discussion all over again for the benefit of any latecomers.

3. To be fair to the others, no one member should talk for more than 95% of the time.

4. The following comments have been found to be particularly illuminating during discussions: “All is one”/ “Everything’s relative”/ “Yes, but what’s [whatever last word the previous speaker utters]?”/ “Everybody’s the same”/ “Who are we to judge?”/ “It’s always been that way”/ “You’re crazy!”/ “What time is it?”

5. Members should not be so sarcastic as to cause the men to cry or the women to fight.

6. New members should not try to change the meeting format or reorganise the club until at least one hour into their first meeting.

III. Reading and presentations

1. Since anyone can do philosophy, no preparatory reading (let alone thinking) is necessary. Besides, these activities bias one so!

2. Presentations need not be clear or well-organised; just meeting professional philosophical standards will suffice.

3. Presenters need not discuss any of the major issues within a topic. They only puzzle and distract people, and no one will notice if they aren’t mentioned.

4. Members should feel free to interrupt the presenter as often as they wish, until the first bowl of cheese dip is thrown.

5. Although they hide the fact, the officers of the club always want to do all the work and write all the presentations. Members should not deprive them of these pleasures by volunteering to do anything.

IV. Contributions

The club welcomes contributions to defray expenses. How much you give is up to you, but when you see the exciting privileges awarded to contributors, we know you’ll give generously:

1. Miser ($0.01-0.10) : can listen to meeting from the hall.

2. Cheapskate ($0.11-0.99) : is provided with a chair (cushion rental, fifty cents).

3. Friend ($1-2) : has bathroom privileges; doesn’t have to read Sartre.

4. Thinker ($3-5) : can sneak the same favourite idea or theory into the discussion at every meeting, regardless of the topic.

5. Philosopher ($6-10) : doesn’t have to hear the Thinkers repeat themselves (earplugs are provided), but can repeat himself. Can drop big names freely, as long as he picks them up afterwards.

6. Sage ($11-15) : doesn’t always have to agree with the club president, at least, not immediately.

7. Life Member (over $15) : doesn’t have to attend any more meetings.

© Alan Duckworth 1993

Alan and Lorraine Duckworth have been running a real life (amateur) philosophy club in Baltimore, Maryland for 17 years. They hasten to add, though, that their club is completely different from what you might think.

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