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Fiction

The Smart Shoppers

Joe R.R. Angelitis overhears a heated political discussion in aisle fifty-one.

Harley Fuentes fingered the price tag of a concrete frog in aisle fifty-one of the Great Garden Super Store, then switched her attention to a gang of little men with long beards and red cone hats. The sign read ‘Trolls’, but Harley knew the genial characters in pointy hats were gnomes. Harley smiled. Gnomes, trolls, leprechauns – it was all campy fun; but what blockhead didn’t know that gnomes were friendly caretakers of the forest while trolls were the ugly, treacherous enemies of gnomes? She rummaged in her handbag for a sharpie. Having found the marker, she crossed out the word ‘Trolls’, and wrote ‘GNOMES’.

She browsed further up the aisle, and stopped to consider the plastic deer: cutouts, less than an inch thick but nearly life-size in height and length. The bucks held their antlered heads high. The females bent to the ground in grazing mode.

“Hey, Rick, what do you think about these for the front lawn?” she asked, without looking up to see where Rick had gone.

Rick wasn’t far: he was sitting in a black wheelbarrow reading a book titled Organic Cul-de-Sac, which chronicled ‘six families in a cul-de-sac who had worked together to convert their suburban backyards into one thriving, cooperative farm’. He climbed out of the wheelbarrow and joined Harley to look at the deer. “Do you want a perfunctory answer, or do you want to know what I really think?” he asked.

Harley looked around for innocent bystanders who might be caught in the crossfire, but she and Rick were alone. “Yes, I want to know what you think,” she said, adding, “I think we need something for the front of the house. It’s too… empty.” She folded her arms, raised her eyebrows, and braced herself.

Fake deer outside a home in Talmage, California. Sarah Stierch (CC by 4.0)

Rick replied, “Okay, so… these are decorations. I’ve seen them around on people’s lawns. Based on the way you change the decorations inside the house, I’m guessing you won’t want to keep the deer out all year – which means I’ll be storing them in the garage or the shed for part of the year, then dragging them back out again. After some time outside in the elements, such as the rain and snow and ice – but let’s not forget the UV rays from the sun – they will probably fade and discolor, maybe get moldy, and then one of our few numbered days on Earth will be spent cleaning and repainting these ornaments that we don’t really need. And how heavy are they? Will the wind blow them over?”

Rick walked over to one to lift it: “Okay, they have some weight – but I still think the stronger gusts will blow them over,” he said: “I’ll be pulling into the driveway after work and seeing them lying on the ground. So I’ll be setting them back up from time to time. I might not mind the extra work if the ornaments did something; but what function do they have? We put them on our lawn; and then what?”

A loud voice buzzed over the store intercom: “Cleanup in aisle nineteen. Maintenance to aisle nineteen for a cleanup.”

“With all the worthwhile things that need to be done in the world – with all the problems that need to be fixed – buying more decorations is what we choose to do? I think it’s time to stop accumulating, and time to start fixing!” Rick continued. “With humanity at a veritable crossroads, on the one hand being on the cusp of many great discoveries and developments technologically, but on the other hand regressing, going backward socially and culturally in many ways – including our new inability to communicate constructively from our fragmented camps, which, by the way, jeopardize the very foundations of our society, that thin veneer of civilization – do you really want to let passersby know that we were so devoid of a mission at this crucial time in history that we drove to a corporate chain store and purchased plastic deer?”

Harley closed her eyes tightly and reopened them. She figured Rick’s question to be rhetorical, at least for the moment, and she knew he wasn’t finished. Meanwhile, the sun clocked out for the day and went off to hide below the horizon. “I know I’m long-winded,” Rick said, “but one of the things I love about you is your capacity for real, detailed discussion.”

“I know,” Harley said: “There are so many things to love about me. But let’s wrap this up soon, shall we? We’re not getting any younger.”

“Okay… To me, these deer ornaments represent a warped consumerism,” Rick elaborated. “And so I wouldn’t want them for free; but you’re asking me to spend hard-earned money on them? While we’re at it, why don’t we buy a flock of those plastic flamingoes with the wire legs? And why not add to our collections for the inside of the house, too? Let’s see… how about fancy plates with scenes painted on them? We’ll acquire the entire series of Elvis Presley plates, and display them on the dining room walls! That way, when I’m on my deathbed, when I know my last breath is near, I’ll be able to face my final moments without regret because I will know I have not lived in vain, for I will have amassed a fine collection of decorative plates, as well as a pair of plastic deer for the front lawn. Mission accomplished! And after I die, if I meet face-to-face with a Creator who will bellow in a thunderous voice, ‘What did you do with the time I allotted you on earth?’ I’ll be able to say, ‘Lord, one of the good things I did was buy plastic deer for my lawn and a large collection of decorative plates.’ Perhaps despite being all-knowing, the Supreme Being will be at a loss as to why I would do such a thing.” Harley was keeping her arms folded, tapping her foot impatiently and pursing her lips, but she didn’t interrupt, and Rick didn’t relent: “But actually, to come home from work and see plastic deer on our lawn would make me feel that I’d sold out, given in, joined the mindless masses of materialistic consumers hypnotized by commercial media. The deer will come to symbolize my failure to rise above the conditioning of the Matrix. I wanted to make a real difference in this world, do my part, but I will have been reduced to a mere ornament in the Universe myself. But why stop at life-size plastic deer? I’m sure a website exists for sending photos that can be made into life-size cutouts of you and me. We could position them on our lawn so that people driving by will know the appearance of the occupants of the house. And I could drape a sign around the replica of me saying ‘BUY MORE STUFF’, and a sign around you saying, ‘BECAUSE WE CAN.’ We could order a second set of life-size plastic Harley and plastic Rick for the inside of the house, too; but they’ll need occasional dusting. Picture us in the house dusting plastic versions of ourselves, while the large screen TV is showing a commercial for a charity advertising starving, fly-covered children in an impoverished village…” A mother and her small boy turned into the aisle just as Rick’s voice increases in volume; he was almost shouting: “With our collection of useless things, we can help widen the gap between the lives of the poor of the Earth and a runaway industrialized society that has lost both its soul and its direction!”

“Mommy, I’m scared of that man,” the small boy said.

But Rick didn’t hear him. “Imagine!” he continued shouting, “Humans possess the gifts of cognition, imagination, and choice – and instead of being stewards of the Earth and champions of human development, we choose instead to collect decorations!”

Garden gnomes © Karel Bilek 2005 Public Domain

From her first year with Rick, Harley had often became exasperated with him: “Why do you have to suck the joy out of everything?” she would say to him: “You’re impossible!” But this is what Harley said that day in aisle fifty-one of the Great Garden Super Store: “Well, Ricky, it’s true that there’s a disparity between well-stocked shelves in developed societies, and starving children in impoverished villages. But I must ask myself: how did this great variety of things come to be on the shelves? How, for that matter, did this impressive shopping center come to be here? How did the asphalt road – cleverly crowned in the middle to allow rainwater to drain to the culverts on the sides – come to exist so that you could drive our well-engineered automobile here? Did it have anything to do with motivated people getting up and heading out to play a part in civilization? Civilization improves when good ideas are conceived and then implemented… How about hot running water in our houses for showers? Have you thanked a plumber recently for laying pipes in the ground and up the walls? It seems to me that capitalism, free enterprise, and industriousness are too often misunderstood, taken for granted, even scoffed at by well-cared-for, comfortable people, ironically even while they are enjoying the benefits of those very things! In any case, intelligent people such as yourself should be able to differentiate between healthy free enterprise – arrangements aligned with natural laws of survival and personal motivation – versus the excesses and corruptions of capitalism – crony capitalism, monopolies, and unfair exploitation. So am I a slave because I go to a job? No! I am a specialized part of an imperfect but functioning system. I am both participant and benefactor. Whether I’m a baker, an electrician, or an architect, accomplishing my job enables other people to perform their jobs, which in turn benefits me, and so on… Together, through the division of labor, we can create a world that lifts us up from crude mere existence. Exploitation isn’t a requirement. In fact, exploitation is a symptom of the market drifting out of control. Are you sure you’re not confusing the corruptions of capitalism with the very basic and natural processes of trade and commerce?”

Rick stood still while he listened to her. He was impressed with Harley’s response. But she continued, “Try to appreciate how the well-stocked shelves in prosperous nations are supported by the myriad of people that comprise their societies: the schoolteachers up at night grading tests; mechanics who inspect and replace the brakes on the trucks that deliver the food; the carpenters who hang the doors and install the floors… all manner of people utilizing their hard-earned skills doing their varied jobs… The systems and institutions that humans have created aren’t perfect, I know, but they have allowed me to develop myself as a person. In this culture anybody can become something if they’re disciplined enough to get up off their ass and learn things, become a part of something bigger than themselves. Becoming something also includes setting aside time for myself. Time for what? Whatever I want! That’s part of the beauty of the free market, Rick: It’s not a rigid top-down prescription for what every person must do every minute of every day. Different strokes for different folks, Ricky. And in a society that works, I have real choices. Choices! I also have time to unwind and occasionally have fun, including purchasing things – yes, material objects – that bring me pleasure. You know machines need grease for the gears: humans need some grease for our gears too. All work and no play makes Harley a dull girl. I don’t think you’d like that, Rick.” Rick tried to interject at this point, but Harley stopped him with an open hand: “Look, I know there’ve been abuses and corruption, and that’s unfortunate, and we need to remedy many things. But if it hadn’t been for people learning their crafts, gaining knowledge, overcoming ignorance… if it hadn’t been for human society and its institutions and rules that people have struggled to uphold and maintain, then we’d still all be eking out a meager existence in the dirt, trying to reinvent every wheel and lever! Without a sophisticated division of labor, we’d all have to be farmers again. Such a primitive struggle would eat up all our hours and energy, and we might lose hope, like the starving people you mentioned. I’m not calloused to human suffering, Rick: I am truly saddened by the plights of others. But don’t you dare denounce a successful, pulsating, vibrant society of industrious and ambitious people because of the small percentage of maniacs who are corrupting our culture. Most of us are just trying to do our jobs and take care of ourselves and our homes. Is that evil? Rick, if we had a leak in the roof, would you destroy the whole house? No, of course not! You’d fix the leak. Repair the damage. Improve.

“‘Industry’ isn’t a bad word, Rick. Animals are industrious. Bees and ants are industrious. The Earth itself is industrious – think about the countless leaves on countless trees converting sunlight into sugars through photosynthesis! Completely industrious! So don’t you dare denounce hardworking, productive people who reward themselves along the way with objects that bring them comfort! Sometimes a small thing can provide pleasure for the journey. And do you remember how much I loved feeding the deer by hand when we vacationed in the Adirondacks? These deer decorations make me feel a small twinge of joy because they remind me of those beautiful, graceful animals. They warm my heart just a little, and bring a smile to my face!”

All through Harley’s later monologue, Rick was breathing in and out through his nose, keeping his mouth closed, nodding his head in different directions. Then he said: “If those deer lawn ornaments bring you some joy or comfort during your journey in this life, then you’re right, you should buy them.”

“No,” Harley replied: “You’re right about them not having much of a function. But look at these solar landscaping lights! It says on the box that they’re twelve times brighter than earlier versions of solar lights. We wouldn’t trip in the dark walking up to the house. What do you think?”

Joe R.R. Angelitis has been carefully observing humanity and taking notes during all his varied adventures and is now disclosing his findings via essays, creative nonfiction, and short stories. Joe loves serendipity and mind-blowing revelations. joe.angelitis@gmail.com

• This story was provided by After Dinner Conversation, an independent nonprofit that promotes philosophical and ethical discourse by publishing short fiction: afterdinnerconversation.com.

Questions For Consideration

1. What are Rick’s strongest and weakest arguments? And what are Harley’s?

2. If you needed to distill each argument down to their most basic idea, what are they each arguing? Which one do you agree with more, and why?

3. Rick says, “when I’m on my deathbed, when I know my last breath is near, I’ll be able to face my final moments without regret because I will know I have not lived in vain, for I will have amassed a fine collection of decorative plates.” Are all non-essential, non-socially beneficial purchases the moral equivalent of ‘decorative plates’? And if so, would it matter?

4. Harley says, “You know machines need grease for the gears: humans need some grease for our gears too.” Is this a strong counterargument to Rick’s ‘decorative plates’ objection? Why, or why not?

5. Harley asks, “Are you sure you’re not confusing the corruptions of capitalism with the very basic and natural processes of trade and commerce?” Is the very basis of trade and commerce the exploitation of others, or can a noncorrupt trade and commerce exist? What would each economic system look like, and how would you recognize the difference?