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Poetry

Bill’s Philosophy Songs

Bill Welton rewrites some familiar songs to give them philosophy appeal – including some carols for Christmas.

The Wittgenstein Song

(To the tune of ‘Good King Wenceslaus’)

Ludwig Wittgenstein looked down
On the Vienna Circle
With Schlick and Waissman all around
Making him turn purple,
Rudolph Carnap looked around
For the old Tractatus
A bumble bee flew in his mouth
And stung his epiglottis

The work of Ludwig’s later life
Was called Investigations
Consisting of linguistical
Prestidigitations,
Private language argument
To change our way of thinking,
By the time I’m finished reading this
He’ll have driven me to drinking

O Come All Ye St Thomas Aquinas’ Five Ways

(To the tune of ‘O Come All Ye faithful’)

O Please read St Thomas, Thomas Aquinas’
Summa Theologica, with five proofs for God
Prove Him from causes, and prove Him from motions,
From necessary being,
From grades of perfection,
From order in the universe,
Five proofs for God!

Plato From Both Sides Now

(Sung to the tune of ‘Both Sides Now’ by Joni Mitchell, with apologies to her)

Souls and Forms and recollection
The afterlife and reincarnation
The Form of Good beyond all sin
I’ve looked at Plato that way

Only knowing that you don’t know
Erotic longing here below
Socratic ignorance that grows
’Til there’s nothing you can say

I’ve looked at Plato from both sides now
As dogmatist and skeptic now
But it’s Plato’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know Plato at all

Arguments to analyze
Fallacies that evoke surprise
And cleverness that takes the prize
I’ve looked at Plato that way

Characters, settings, narrative frames
Noting how the contexts change
How myths and images explain
And the irony and play

I’ve looked at Plato from both sides now
From argument and drama now
But it’s Plato’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know Plato at all

Noble lies to shape the soul
Censorship and thought-control
Each one subject to the Whole
I’ve looked at Plato that way

He thinks that communism’s cool
He lets both men and women rule
He makes his rulers go to school
And keeps oligarchs at bay

I’ve looked at Plato from both sides now
From right and left and still somehow
it’s Plato’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know Plato at all

O Kierkegaard

(To the tune of ‘O Christmas Tree’)

O Kierkegaard, O Kierkegaard
I love your Fear and Trembling
O Kierkegaard, O Kierkegaard
Your dread is never-ending
Your subjectivity’s the way
You can’t escape it anyway
O Kierkegaard, O Kierkegaard,
I love your Fear and Trembling

O Kierkegaard, O Kierkegaard
I’m sick and tired of Hegel,
O Kierkegaard, O Kierkegaard,
His meaning’s rather vague-el
Obscurity’s his claim to fame,
And tedium’s his middle name,
O Kierkegaard, O Kierkegaard
I’m sick and tired of Hegel

Deck the Halls with Merleau-Ponty

(To the tune of ‘Deck the Halls with Boughs of Holly’)

Raise a cheer for Merleau-Ponty
Phenom-menom-mena-menology!
Exquisitely and ele-gantly
He made a name in French Philosophy!
Like Jean-Paul Sartre and Voltaire before him
And Rene Descartes, he played his part in history
English thinking must have bored him
So he wrote Phenom-menom-menol-o-gy!

William Anthony Welton received his PhD in Philosophy from Duquesne University in 1993. He currently teaches philosophy at Loyola College in Maryland.